It’s funny how I always find myself back here. I would never say that I am a regular blogger because I really only type here when I feel the need to get something off my chest. So surprise surprise I have something to say. But I love that I can put it out there and if no one reads it thats fine because there might be someone who does and that one person hearing how I’m feeling is worth me throwing my feelings out here.
So lets catch up shall we? I am now the proud employee of a funeral home. Yes, that is right….a funeral home. EEK. Which is exactly what I thought when I got an email from them asking if I would apply for the job. But you know what. I love what I do. Graphic Design…art…is the one thing I can do and not feel hatred, and resentment for choosing to do that. So I don’t care that I work in a funeral home. I am doing something that I love and how amazing is it that God put me right there to do this thing?
I am full adult now with my own apartment (Well I have roommates, but still it counts), electricity bills, student loans (which is why I need the roommates), and a grocery list. I know I wouldn’t want to be a kid but I’m not entirely sold on this whole “adult” thing. It’s hard. But you know what I use that a lot lately. Life is hard. I think that is a better statement.
Okay on to the deep stuff because I don’t know any more of the surface stuff to say.
Let’s start off with some good ole’ Simple Plan lyrics. “Nobody cares, cause I’m alone and the world is having more fun than me tonight” I always felt like this song was written for me. You know the kid in the corner that tried so hard to be someone people wanted to be around but never was. I am the person everyone calls when they need someone to talk to and never when something fun is happening. Granted I do love to just talk with people let their feelings out but man oh man can I just be fun for a change? No? okay, I mean I’ve made it this far so I guess I’ll be okay. I like being a floater friend. I really do. But, I just want a friend or a couple of friends that are there for me. Ones that can tell when I’m about to cry for days and will be there. I literally just mean be there. I guess that is why it is important to know that my love language is Quality Time also note that although my love language is quality time I am an introvert for the most part. So….I’m an enigma. I’m a perfect little concoction of contradictions. And as much as that makes me different and unique….let me say this clearly, IT SUCKS. Most of the time. But maybe it’s just because I haven’t found anyone who really thinks I’m something special.
I’m not. I make mistakes, I’m mean. I’m well….is it really necessary that I tell you all the faults I see in myself? Nah. I’m good.
I don’t want to pity myself. I want to feel worthy and useful and successful. As a woman, as a person, and as a Christian. But as previously stated, life is hard.
I just heard on a sermon that we are least aware of the things that are constant. Its hard for me to say this but does that mean even though I feel like a terrible Christian because I’m not spending time with God that He is there? Is God always around even when I feel like I am so very far from Him. Well I know that everything that I have ever heard about God from church is that yes. God is there no matter how I act, what I think, who I feel.
God. Is. Here.
Right here. I can talk to Him whenever I need to. I can scream “HELP!!” I can stay silent.
See, right here. Thats why I love typing on here. For me. Because I hear thing that I need to be reminded. Because God is here He uses this for me to remind me that I am His. I am not unworthy because I belong to the one true King. Father, ABBA, please breathe into me new life that I can turn right back into praise for you. Help me to forgive those who hurt me and to be forgiven when I disobey your command. You are my God, my one and only. Please remind me of how precious I am to you so that I don’t need to rely on others to feel like enough.