Here I Am Again

I always start these with, “it’s been a while,” It has. I’m too busy even though my busieness is really just me needing to catch up with social media or my shows. But I have committed myself to doing less of those things so guess what I do most of the day…. Think. I think a lot of things. And I pray more, I don’t mean that I pray long deep prayers. I mean that I pray sentences.

“Lord, help me”

“Jesus please be with ____ today.”

I had a challenge to stay away from social media and secular media (is this blog social media? I’m not sure I really just use it to write). I didn’t realize how much I am afraid of quiet. I don’t like being able to hear the heat vents or the pipes in the wall or the dead silence that fills my room when I am the only one home.

But I washed the dishes, and sang to the cat. Well, I sang to myself but since the cat was there I guess I sang to her. And I thought about how much time I had sat been in the quiet.

You know what is amazing though, how you become used to the quiet. You don’t have the gnawing feeling to go on Facebook every 2 minutes after a couple of days and you find time for things you didn’t think you had time for before.

I am hoping that this extra time will help me to get back to the things I love.

Art, God, and Others.

OVERLOAD

No tears, no crying, not even one little spot of moisture dropping from my eyes. I’m not sad. I’m not frustrated. I’m exhausted. I come home at the end of the day and just want to go to sleep. My brain hurts, I don’t mean like headache I mean like “wow girl you just thought a whole bunch and now, as your brain, i’m gonna shut down.” I’m not lying to you when I say that graphic designing is solving one problem after another. Visually. I like it a whole bunch but the other stuff is getting to me. That stuff that makes me angry. When I feel like things might be unfair because it seems like my amount of work is more than someone else’s or that no one respects me enough to listen to me. It’s hard to work hard and feel like people have no respect for your time. That makes me mad. Please know that I love my job but these are the parts that make me want to scream.

If you feel like you’re better than anyone else let me make this 100% clear to you. You are not. So please do not treat anyone like you are. Cause it sucks to be on the other side of that and why would you want to turn up your nose to people when being kind and caring is just so much better anyways.

I just need to find an anti-stress activity. I like to paint but when is there time it’s stressful just thinking about it. I like to write but I feel horrible when I go too long without writing. I would love to go for walks but exercise. No I love to go on walks but it just reminds me of how I should be doing more.

Deep breaths.

You know what. I’m gonna go to God with this.

It’s terrible. I’m terrible how is it that going to God is my last option? I know I used to tell myself that God is too big for my little problems, but I believe that God is the perfect size for any and all problems. He fits in those tiny one minute problems and those huge life changing problems.

Father God, Help me.

Catch up.

It’s funny how I always find myself back here. I would never say that I am a regular blogger because I really only type here when I feel the need to get something off my chest. So surprise surprise I have something to say. But I love that I can put it out there and if no one reads it thats fine because there might be someone who does and that one person hearing how I’m feeling is worth me throwing my feelings out here.

So lets catch up shall we? I am now the proud employee of a funeral home. Yes, that is right….a funeral home. EEK. Which is exactly what I thought when I got an email from them asking if I would apply for the job. But you know what. I love what I do. Graphic Design…art…is the one thing I can do and not feel hatred, and resentment for choosing to do that. So I don’t care that I work in a funeral home. I am doing something that I love and how amazing is it that God put me right there to do this thing?

I am full adult now with my own apartment (Well I have roommates, but still it counts), electricity bills, student loans (which is why I need the roommates), and a grocery list. I know I wouldn’t want to be a kid but I’m not entirely sold on this whole “adult” thing. It’s hard. But you know what I use that a lot lately. Life is hard. I think that is a better statement.

Okay on to the deep stuff because I don’t know any more of the surface stuff to say.

Let’s start off with some good ole’ Simple Plan lyrics. “Nobody cares, cause I’m alone and the world is having more fun than me tonight” I always felt like this song was written for me. You know the kid in the corner that tried so hard to be someone people wanted to be around but never was. I am the person everyone calls when they need someone to talk to  and never when something fun is happening. Granted I do love to just talk with people let their feelings out but man oh man can I just be fun for a change? No? okay, I mean I’ve made it this far so I guess I’ll be okay. I like being a floater friend. I really do. But, I just want a friend or a couple of friends that are there for me. Ones that can tell when I’m about to cry for days and will be there. I literally just mean be there. I guess that is why it is important to know that my love language is Quality Time also note that although my love language is quality time I am an introvert for the most part. So….I’m an enigma. I’m a perfect little concoction of contradictions. And as much as that makes me different and unique….let me say this clearly, IT SUCKS. Most of the time. But maybe it’s just because I haven’t found anyone who really thinks I’m something special.

I’m not. I make mistakes, I’m mean. I’m well….is it really necessary that I tell you all the faults I see in myself? Nah. I’m good.

I don’t want to pity myself. I want to feel worthy and useful and successful. As a woman, as a person, and as a Christian. But as previously stated, life is hard.

I just heard on a sermon that we are least aware of the things that are constant. Its hard for me to say this but does that mean even though I feel like a terrible Christian because I’m not spending time with God that He is there? Is God always around even when I feel like I am so very far from Him. Well I know that everything that I have ever heard about God from church is that yes. God is there no matter how I act, what I think, who I feel.

God. Is. Here.

Right here. I can talk to Him whenever I need to. I can scream “HELP!!” I can stay silent.

See, right here. Thats why I love typing on here. For me. Because I hear thing that I need to be reminded. Because God is here He uses this for me to remind me that I am His. I am not unworthy because I belong to the one true King. Father, ABBA, please breathe into me new life that I can turn right back into praise for you. Help me to forgive those who hurt me and to be forgiven when I disobey your command. You are my God, my one and only. Please remind me of how precious I am to you so that I don’t need to rely on others to feel like enough.

 

Solitary Accompaniment

This is a post about what my blog name is Solitary Accompaniment.
When I was in high school I was hurt a lot I think it was mostly just trying to get my feelings under control and figure out who I was. I could be wrong but I think everyone knows the feeling. One of my outlets was writing poems. I wouldn’t say that they were really great or anything just something that usually rhymed that I got out of my system. Anyways I wrote a poem once that was about a boy. He hurt me. Made me feel like I was by myself even when I was sitting right next to him. I didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore but it was comfortable. So things ensued and we broke up. Which if you have ever been through a break up you know even if it is mutual (it wasn’t) than it still hurts. So with everything that happened there was a poem and this poem turned out not to be about a boy and how he had failed me and ripped my heart into tiny pieces but about my God who is with me no matter what and what a beautiful vision that was. We may be alone but we aren’t really. Ever.

Here on earth we can be physically alone. But spiritually God is there with us, holding us and singing joy into our sad melody.

30 Days of ME.

Thats what I am committing to writing about myself for the next 30 days… Ya know because I need an outlet and I think that this would be a great place to be an outlet. So here we GOOOOOOOO!!!!

Here is a recent picture of me… It’s almost Halloween so don’t judge the cat like features. =]

15 Facts about this girl (Imagine me pointing to myself with my thumbs.)

#1. I love art. I mean I know some people especially hipster (I’m sorry if you’re offended) say they love art but never look at it or buy it or make it. That is not me. I create almost everyday. I go to art museums just to look at art I’ve seen a million times all ready and I but it. If I walk into a place and there is a piece that moves me. That I attach some deeper meaning to you best believe I’m gonna buy it…well, I’ll buy a print I’m defiantly not rich enough to buy any originals (except my own)

#2. I love God. Yes, I’m a Christian and it’s weird to think otherwise if you have read ANY of my other blog posts. Yes, I ask questions to him that any normal person would get tired of and walk a way but God isn’t a normal …Person. He is God.He forgives me even when I feel like I can’t forgive myself and He loves me even though I know I’m not entitled to it.

#3. I love learning. My favorite thing about the internet? I can ask question that when I was younger I would have to sit in a library and go through a couple encyclopedias to get the answer. Now a days its all at my fingertips. But don’t get me wrong, I learn. I ask a question and then I know it. I don’t just forget it and ask it a million times again (I have a couple of friends who do that). I like to know how things work, and how certain things are the way they are. Some of my friends think I’m super smart. But I have never claimed to know it all and I NEVER will.

#4. I’m an adult who loves young adult literature. I think this stems from adult books being soooooo……boring? or Too life like that you just want to say, “Yeah, thanks I can just  go live my own life and it more more suspenseful.” Yes, I know that there are really good adult books…but can I pick up a book that is labeled “ADULT” and NOT be bombarded with  sex, or sex scandals? No? Well, I will take my young adult fiction (Usually sic-fi) and go.

#5.My niece is not my child. But man do I love her like she is my own. I think it has something to do with the fact that I can have fun with her and watch her grow and I don’t have to handle all the discipline… but whatever I’ll take it.

#6. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo ready to live on my own. At the moment I am sitting here in my brothers house because that is where I have called home for the last couple of months because my parents have no electricity. More on that later….I guess. But I am 25 years old…..Time to get an apartment.

#7. I hate my job. If you have talked to me in more than just a superficial manner you know this fact. I hate retail. Like with a passion. So I guess you could say that I have a passion for my job. But here is the thing, I promised myself that I would stay at this job until I got a graphic design job….or at least a job I could make a career out of. So here I am 2 years later at this job that I can’t stand. I’m not super pessimistic I promise, but this job has literally crushed my soul. But God is teaching me all kinds of great stuff and that is good, right?

#8. I am a victim of chronic binge watching. I often wonder if I had watch the shows I binge when they aired if they would still be on. I don’t look it up because I don’t want to know the answer I’d feel too bad. Although honestly #BringbackREDBANDsociety am I right?

#9. I take the role no one else has taken. Yeah, I’m not too sure about that. I mean I do but,  it is really super hard in my head to make a lot of sense. So heres the best I got; at work, if everyone is super upset and down in the dumps I am trying to cheer them up. If they are all happy and depressed I might be but most likely I will be super depressingly real. But there are tons of exceptions and I don’t even understand it.

#10. My dreams for the future include but are not limited to: Selling my art, meeting/marrying the man that God intended for me, living close to my friends, having a job that I LOVE, go back to Greece, visit Spain, Ireland, Scotland, England, Italy, Guatemala, and an all inclusive resort.

#11. I have a long bucket list as you can tell by all the places I want to visit. There are a lot more but specific places like Stonehenge. But also things like reading 52 books in a year…

#12. My family is life. I love them soooooo much. they are the best people I know. And I don’t just mean the fun people who are blood related. My close friends too, they are also my family. I wouldn’t trade the people I am stuck with and the people I have chosen for the world.

#13. Fall is the best. I mean seriously. Although, I HATE pumpkin flavored anything I mean come on America let’s get back to the OG of fall flavor that’s right I’m talking about the good ole Apple Cider. MMMMMM. The haunted hay rides, corn mazes and apple orchards are the absolute best.

#14. I am an artist NOT a craftsman. Meaning I HATE doing crafts. I don’t really get it but there is a huge difference, trust me.

#15. My top love languages are quality time and gifts. If we’re hanging out we’re good. We don’t really need to talk just sitting there is fine and you being me some coffee and you have my heart. =]

That is 15 facts. It’s pretty lengthy, I guess I could have done a simple 15 things thing….but where is the fun in that?

I hope you all are doing well and I’d love to hear some facts about you!

And If Not…

I can’t believe it’s been this long since I have posted anything, I’m not gone I promise I just always feel like I have a million things to do and I can’t do everything. It’s an illusion. But it feels so real to me.

I need to get some stuff out of my head and therefore I turn to my blog.

I feel like Naomi. I feel bitter, as she walked back into her hometown her friends all run to her and say “look its Naomi!” but Naomi who just lost her husband, her two sons, and a daughter-in-law says “Don’t call me Naomi call me Mara for the Almighty has made my life very bitter.”

First I want to say I have it nowhere near as bad as Naomi had it. I have a family, friends, a roof over my head, a job….but still. I feel bitter, don’t get me wrong I know my God is good. I know he holds the tapestry and I can only see the knots of thread but it’s been this way for so long. I’ve felt useless, unworthy, and like a failure. What did I do wrong to still be sitting here? What am I working towards what exactly?

I feel so low that there is no way I will ever be able to get out of this hole that I am only sinking more into. Retail cannot be the life that I have been assigned. It turns me into a person I never wanted to become and the small tiny fact that I HATE every moment I’m at work. I have never ever ever ever ever been the type of person to say, “Well it’s work, you’re gonna hate it.” Because I believe that you can find something that you would love to be doing. And yet here I stand two years later still at the same job that I have hated since a little bit after starting and it seems there is no way out for me. I’m destined to live with my parents my whole entire life and just work my job to pay the student loans.

It’s hard to walk around thinking you’re one thing and the world tell you “nope, sorry actually you aren’t.” I’m just so tired of being here. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m just another failure.

I lament the life that I thought I’d be living. Clearly it isn’t what God wanted….But I thought it might be. I think thats what hurts the most.

So, if you’re reading this please just send out a prayer for me.
I’m struggling. I’ve been struggling. I just pray I’d find peace in some part of my life and quick.

I mentioned before that I know God is good even though I am bitter and sometimes angry and depressed. I know he is with me and is working out everything for my good. But I don’t think that means I don’t have to be sad. I’m still thankful and I still have faith and hope that one day I’ll be in the perfect place for me. But right now I’m here for a different reason.

I try to remember on a daily basis…

The World is Ending…I guess

Let me start with, this isn’t a post about the world ending.

I sat and watched tv all day today, the only thing on my schedule was the church’s Ladies Meeting at 6:30 and I was content with taking the day to be inspired by art and fill my mind with garbage (aka reality tv.) But then it hit me, for some strange reason the comment about something crazy happening starting the end of the world and/or the beginning of the end came into my brain. I started researching why I keep hearing people say this and for some reason instead of my mind saying what it normally does, that these people are quite literally making things up, I got so entranced with the fact that maybe….just maybe this could be it. So accordingly I FREAKED OUT. Like legit my heart was racing and I couldn’t figure out why, why now? Why this point in my life? Why do I have to go through it? But you know what I decided that my time was way better spent reading the bible and praying. Which is what I did. Because worry doesn’t get you anywhere. So I read my bible…I am trying to read the whole bible in a year, I am in Isaiah and Philippians. Anyways, that brought me a little bit of peace, then I started praying and asking God questions about it. Is the world ending? Why is tomorrow so important? I don’t know if he will ever answer those particular questions but what I did hear was God reminding me, Don’t worry, I am here with you, I hear you, I love you, I forgive you.

Lately my life has been one big ball of “I love you God” and “GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?” (in an angry tone of course) going back and forth because I think my human is showing and I feel like I have been cheated. It’s hard to be a young adult with no direction of where you are going because everything you thought you’d be doing you’re not. But guess what, God is bigger than my frustrations and he is bigger than my young adult attitude. He sees me and he loves me because I am his child. That is what sets us apart from everything….We are loved, by him.

After I was done praying somehow I started reading a little bit of revelation (side note: ever since I was little and my parents watched a movie about the 7 seals I have been so scared to actually read this book….ya know because scary things happen in it.) I know it’s probably not the best to completely skip out on a whole book of the bible. While I was reading it I remember being at a church where the preacher was speaking about some of the things that were going to happen and how it terrified me. Can you believe that these terrible things are going to be happening? Well, yes because they all ready are. Planned Parenthood, abortions, martyrs, wars, terrorist, earthquakes, wildfires, crazy weather, crazy people….It’s all all ready happening.

But in the midst of this I remember….God is good, God is Great, God is God. There is no one and nothing that I would want to put in front of him. Because his love is so great that even when I am scared I can feel the warmth of his love fill me up and his arms comforting me.

The point is the world might end tomorrow, the world might end at the end of this sentence. I think if it was ending there is one thing that I want to make sure people know. I am a believer in Christ, I believe in his life, his death, and his resurrection. His love, his spirit, his grace and mercy. He loves me and he loves you too. His arms will always be stretched open to you. Ready when you are. But if the world is ending…please, please, please take a  moment and ask God about himself. Ask him of his great love, and ask him how much he paid to set you free.

What do you got to lose?

Movement.

The world is moving on and i am standing still. Static. A life that doesn’t grow doesn’t change and doesn’t move on. Same unfulfilling life that seems wasteful, unsatisfying and oh so alone. I watch as these friends of mine are opening up, taking jobs, changing the world and i am still standing still. Like old paint on a wall. Stuck, bright and cheery, cracking and peeling away and just there. The furniture may change so does the people living there but i am there, something to be a mood lifter but no one realizing or actually paying attention.

Guys this is hard. I love watching my friends change the world and the grow and become amazing adults. But i feel as though i am living in a cycle. Wake up go to work come home sleep and so on. I dont hang out with friends and i dont do anything and that is actually the terrible cycle because i don’t know how to get out of it.

Thinking about Love.

I have these days where I watch a movie, read a book, go on pinterest or something else and I see relationships that are of people that are so in love. It is an amazing beautiful thing. I always tell my friends that I want a relationship like Jim and Pam from The Office. I don’t know if any of you have seen the show but Jim loves Pam with an undying love that is inspiring. Yes, I know it’s just a show and they are just characters but honestly they are one of my favorite love stories.
Just as an example here are some things about them:

And in case this does no justice just have faith in me that it is a beautiful love story. Not to mention the show is really funny. Back to the point, today was a day when I was watching a tv show and saw a love story where a girl was lost and the boy who loved her turned into a monster to find her. Granted, not necessary to turn into a monster but watching it you totally saw that it was because he loved her so much that it was killing him thinking she was gone even dead. The whole day has gone by and there are little things like post on pinterest that has got me feel like, I am so excited to one day be in a relationship where we both love each other. The kind of love that you are best friend and you are completely comfortable with the other person. You can tell each other anything and you want to tell them everything. I have not been in a relationship in a really long time. I haven’t found anyone that I could see me and them in a relationship in a long time as well. I have had this feeling that I will find my love at some point for a long time. And like every young woman I have feared that I would be alone all my life. It was interesting because in the last couple of weeks that has been on my mind. Being emotionally, physically, alone all my life. The questions rise of whether I’m not pretty or I’m not funny enough for anyone to want me but the thing is I don’t think that it would be a good idea for me to get into a relationship with this self image anyways. I know that I am not in a place where I could inspire someone to be better or be a full half to a whole. I am broken still. I have scars that are not fully healed and I have some that I have been actively intervening so that they will not heal. But I still have this hope inside of me and I know that there must be some truth to them somewhere because I can feel it. I know that at some point I will find the man that was made for me and that makes me happy. I am content knowing that I am still being prepared to be the person I am supposed to be and that God is working in me. I don’t know about you, but I often pray for whoever he is. I pray that he loves God that he is making good choices and becoming a strong man of God. I pray that he sees me for who I am and that the listens to God when it comes to us meeting and I pray that He loves me like Jim loves Pam.

“Goodnight have…

“Goodnight have great dreams!”
“I’d rather have a great reality.”

A dialog between  me and my friend. I have always found comfort and wonderful things in my good dreams. I never really thought about having a reality better than dreams. This is complex in my head and not so easy to describe.